Tiptoes

Happy 2011, peoples!!!! Been way too long since I've posted my tantrums.....trust it is not from a lack of inspiration. In fact, I've probably been TOO inspired....writing too many things at one time and not being able to focus my energy on one thought in particular. The result is a notebook full of incomplete poems and scattered lines that only begin to touch on all that I've been dealing with.

That being said, the newest piece I'm dropping off is the first of many joints I have on my most favorite of subjects and the biggest and best discovery I've made within the past year. My biggest blessing and greatest joy, I've been writing this piece about this relationship for a few months, because just like the relationship, I didn't want to rush things. What I've discovered is that love is a very painful thing to experience, let alone write about. Not because the love itself is complicated, but because when you are dealing with an authentic love, you discover alot of things about yourself.....fears, insecurites, vulnerabilities, etc. This is especially true when a relationship is seemingly flawless for so long and it then its a point where every exchange feels like some sort of a battle. The thing you were once so sure of, you begin to doubt......

But when doubts and questions began to creep into my mind, a strange thing happened. Amidst all of the questions, I began to see answers. Notice, I didn't FIND answers, I just had to remind myself of all the things I already knew and all of the things that got she and I to this point......I began to look at all of the things my love and I have dealt with and gone through, and realized that we still are standing, and that we have an infinite number of reasons to continue to do so. I realized that doubts are not bad things....they are good things, at times. Especially at times like these where they bring clarity to the confusion of all the outside factors.Most importantly, I realized that if I allowed myself to be defeated by doubts and fears, I'd lose more than I'd ever be able to regain. Therefore, though it may be instinct to tiptoe around embarking on a relationship or even in continuing it.....I've learned that is not necessary....but it's okay to tiptoe until we gain the courage to walk, so long as we continue to move forward.....I now present to you all the long overdue "Tiptoes". Walk with me.

Here's to finding answers and peace to all that ails us.....
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Tiptoes

A room, still and tranquil is not to be confused with calmness…
To the contrary, the serenity is painful
And noisy somehow…..and active
Each footstep’s echo grows more obvious
Booming against the hardwood, resonating against the hallowed halls
The result is a soul increasingly aware of itself…
Its motions and its emotions, both hushed like crying children now
Praying to be overlooked, as if shamed to be on this walk
The air’s uncertainty is now palpable, harsh to the touch
We know this feeling
Fear is setting in
And no one wants to move……
And soon, the experience is removed to an unfamiliar level of consciousness
Now an observer of oneself

Every

Single

Step

Shortens in distance, slowing in pace
Reflecting on reflections of no image
Attempts to be silent are spurred by desires to be invisible….
Because the path, though different, feels familiar
The signs are the same and all the pitfalls are known
And after tripping…..
And after stumbling……
And after hurting….
No one wants to fail in front of the crowd…
No one wants to fall
No one wants to fall in love
So we tiptoe, as if we weren’t meant

The truth is that we are titled “starred crossed”, with a shared destiny lying in the heavens
And that being so, doubtlessly the destination is reached
Surrounded by the L
We are high, hazed, and hungover
Developing bad habits without concern, in spite of the cause for
At some point, we found reason to not care who was watching
And we prayed to be judged
Because even the dullest eye would be confronted by their own envy
Because this love is frank, to put it bluntly
Intentions cannot be contested
And the only questions are those beginning with “when”…
There is no cause to wonder “whether”…….
We are left to savor sweet moments in graphic detail
Each instant, a brushstroke
And as more time passes, the portrait grows in beauty and clarity
So much so, that even the Artist is in awe
And He smiles at what he has made this day
And we, as his dedicated subjects, thank Him for the many days to come

But…….there is always a but
Always an “however”….
Always a question mark that replaces a period…
“I love you.” becomes “I love you?”
“Forever.” becomes “forever?”
“Us.” becomes “us?”
Inevitably, the sinful souls begin to wonder if they are worthy of such happiness
Predictably, the certainty of a stride becomes….
Tiptoes….
Cautiously light steps across the thread connecting fabrics, separate and distinct
One being the things we were
The other being the things we are to become
And the only thing connecting the two is a thin, fragile, flimsy string
And in a cold breeze, naked, we are left to balance emotions, doubts, and fears
And that being so, we become especially aware of the doubters hoping we fail
And those that throw stones in hopes of knocking us off our path
And of our weight and the tension it places on this cord
And the innate fear of possibly falling…… out of love
Thus, we grow especially sensitive to the strands every wiggle
And to some extent, we convince ourselves that these movements are omens
Indications that our reservations and hesitations are warranted
Signs that we may not be meant to be
Because, from experience, we recognize the signs from times before
And most importantly, we know the pain and our desire to never feel it again

That is why we slow our progression
And analyze our position so closely
And protect our hearts with such vigor
The reaction is understandable; necessary even
As caution is but an injection of reality
And being so high, it is refreshing to be grounded
Or at least feel as such

Still, as one stands suspended and anxious, the question remains
How do you get to the future when your past is still your present?
How do you get to the rest of the world from here?
The answer is to keeping moving
Do not stop
Do not reverse pace
Move forward, at a snail’s pace if need be
Tiptoe until you realize that tiptoeing is not necessary
Lift your chin upward
And step confidently, knowing that you are & have been standing on solid ground the entire time……