Story Behind The Poem
It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a dope poem to read, lol. It's been a while since I posted something, folks....but blame it on my life and not my heart. Between the lack of motivation and the difficulty I've been having in verbalizing the things I'm actually ready to write about, the entire creative process has been moving like molasses.
At any rate, to stem the tide, I'm posting an older one....wrote this one sometime last year during one of my reflectionary type periods...Thinking back on it, I think this poem is the precursor to 'Rooms', so reading that one after this one might link things up a bit for those of you who actually care to attempt to understand how my mind works.
But getting back on point. Those who know me know that generally I'm reluctant to get pursue relationships...I'll step up and go after who I want, but even then I've always been one to have a wait and see approach in terms of completely falling for someone. In a phrase, I'm a pessismist when it comes to relationships and the poem is kind of an embodiment of that attitude. I've made concerted efforts to be more optimistic and vulnerable in terms of giving of myself, but shit...I can't say I've made the strides to be where I want to be...Anyway, let me know what you think.
Enjoy...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When We Get There
I tend to lose focus
A train of thought that grows increasingly shorter
And closer to a place where I envisioned going
But never ventured
Or even thought possible
So excuse me if I don’t get too excited at the promise of getting there
Rather, if it don’t show
Cause somewhere in the back of my head I still believe
If it don’t show
It don’t grow
And THEY don’t know
So somehow, it doesn’t really exist
Some may call it pessimistic thought
But they lack experience
At least MY experiences
If they knew what they know not, that I know most certainly
They’d call me a realist
Perhaps a journalist if they read my scribes
Maybe a historian, if they saw the relevance and development of man
And spirit
Which is a another monster in and of itself
Which I plan to face
But am in no rush to do so
I’m fine just waiting on that 9 cloud to carry me to where I want to be
But have you ever tried waiting on something…..
And not knowing what that thing looks like
It’s so damn frustrating
Thinking every car coming round corner is your ride
Only to be left standing on the curb
With the remnants of liquored poured for dead friends and rainwater
Splashed on your overcoat
Looking at a license plate
2BAD 4 U
…Now imagine that someTHING is someONE
And every time you think she’s coming around the corner
And everytime she gets close
She juke steps
And you’re left face down in the dust
You get up
But your face is still on the ground
It’s so hard
If you didn’t have religion before
You for damn sure have it now
And I ain’t the only one
The whole damn world is scarred
I’m like damn
It all comes full circle
The wounded wound
And vice versa
So it is versa vice
I just write the verse
And hopefully my pen can work out whether you are
The One
Or “The Next One” in what seems to be a never ending line of candidates
Who settle to be conquests
I suppose your guess is as good as mine
Whether you are a guest
Or a permanent inhabitant of the hallowed halls of my heart
Not that I’m necessarily inviting you inside
But I’m not, not inviting you, ya dig?
How bout I just leave the door open a lil bit
And if you choose to come
Let me know when you get here
And I’ll let you know that I’m there
And we can proceed to get where
We need to be
And celebrate when we get there
Piece
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Cold December
Story Behind the Poem
As most of you know, I dabble in the hip-hop a bit. Though poetry always will be my first love, this poem actually started out as an attempt of compose an obviously poetically infused piece into a song.
As with my other pieces, anyone who knows me is familiar with a struggle that I've been going through within myself. As recently as age 18, most folks generally would have described me as a sweet, kind, gentle, teddy bear type (I hate the comparison FYI). I still get those types of compliments occassionally, but over the past seven or so years, I've also noticed a distinct change in myself...somewhere I've channelled the ability to find anger. My temper is hotter than its ever been. My concern for how others will react to things that I say is non-existent....I honestly couldn't argue with anyone who would call me mean...And I don't like that about myself. Even the relationships I have with women are changing. Once upon a time I could honestly stand before people and say that I was different....but even that's changed. I feel as if I'm becoming more like other cats with my attitudes towards women....part of that is because of some atypically bad break-ups, part is because of some shots that didn't quite beat the buzzer...all of it is rooted in actually putting myself out there on a limb...making myself open and vulnerable, and having the branch snap from beneath me. A lot of it has to do with poor communication...actually alot of it has to do with alot of things that I will discuss in a later poem ("Birth of a Purse Snatcher") once I'm able to work my thoughts out on that piece, so I'll cut this short and leave you all with this.
I'm a strong believer that if nothing is ventured, then nothing is gained. If you expect to make progress in life, you have to put yourself your mind, your heart, your sanity on the line occasionally. I want to make these strides and have laid myself out at the mercy of the world and several people many a time, and not gotten the responses I've seeked. Needless to say, in a nutshell, this poem is about how life has effected my development from a person a really liked but wasn't built for the world, into a person who I don't like as much, but has the tools necessary to make it in this cold world. So, as I lay back in the therapist's chair.........enjoy
And for those of you trying to figure out exactly what events led to me feeling this way.....the poem was written in the summer of '08 and is based on a great deal more than relationships with the fairer sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's like the bitter chill made the whole world sit still
the air's stagnant
my face numbed from glares of ill will
ice grills backed with bad intention, I feel...
compelled as black mamba tryna kill bill
laid at the will of killers with penchants for doing jus that
and their cold, cold hearts are so real
and so hungry for blood meals
and even more so in such a cold December
they say only the strong survive
but I beg to differ
because the strong die too
and they get lied to
but the wise know truth and rule the strong
because though they lives lived short, their words live long
and shake every man’s soul
tiptoeing through time on the airs of whispers, they hear you
and the words are held so dear
and in the chill still heard so clear
and even more so in such a cold December
the coldness only makes me more conscious of my environment’s violence
and the fact that the more I live in this climate
the more I die within
only the Lord knows where my fire went
cause now this artic has made me lethargic and heartless
and unaware of how to navigate the darkness
and somehow I lost my way and now I’m gone forever
as if I left footprints trailing away in this cold December’s driven snow
don’t act as if you didn’t know
although I understand if the flow of your thoughts became frozen cold
like the ice water pumping through my veins
clearly I’ll never again be the same
and I want somebody to blame
or at least explain this change
and the answer came as wintry rain dancing on my face
each drop tinged with pain
and it hurts even more so in such a cold December
i never felt so alive as when i died
riding with the righteous side
fighting for what my heart desired
nevertheless, my hair’s turned grayed
my eyes is pitch white and my skin is fading away
i'm one amongst the masse, it’s tragic
that I’ve been forced to assimilate the fabric
and my mind too
the mirror’s frosted up but no reflection needed to know I’ve become you
and the chickens done come roost in the midst of this cold, cold, December
and now I find myself wishing bad on others peoples mothers
death upon other peoples brothers
it's so hard when u discover that you are no longer the you, you once knew
staring at the mirror wondering who is that dude
and you haven’t one clue
like a nigga flew over the cuckoo’s nest and left you
sitting a alone
and that’s cold, even for a cold December
even my heart is frostbitten
twice shy, indifferent
iced more than a quarter-century's exposure should allow
the result of repeated frigid impacts upon an unreciprocated affections
i've grown calloused and unwilling to try any longer
my tongue has sharpened
my concern, now non-existent
i am no longer merely influenced
you can see my body shiver, reacting to the temperature
trying to resist the bitter side-effect of contact
but it's useless
I AM cold
Even for a cold, cold December
As most of you know, I dabble in the hip-hop a bit. Though poetry always will be my first love, this poem actually started out as an attempt of compose an obviously poetically infused piece into a song.
As with my other pieces, anyone who knows me is familiar with a struggle that I've been going through within myself. As recently as age 18, most folks generally would have described me as a sweet, kind, gentle, teddy bear type (I hate the comparison FYI). I still get those types of compliments occassionally, but over the past seven or so years, I've also noticed a distinct change in myself...somewhere I've channelled the ability to find anger. My temper is hotter than its ever been. My concern for how others will react to things that I say is non-existent....I honestly couldn't argue with anyone who would call me mean...And I don't like that about myself. Even the relationships I have with women are changing. Once upon a time I could honestly stand before people and say that I was different....but even that's changed. I feel as if I'm becoming more like other cats with my attitudes towards women....part of that is because of some atypically bad break-ups, part is because of some shots that didn't quite beat the buzzer...all of it is rooted in actually putting myself out there on a limb...making myself open and vulnerable, and having the branch snap from beneath me. A lot of it has to do with poor communication...actually alot of it has to do with alot of things that I will discuss in a later poem ("Birth of a Purse Snatcher") once I'm able to work my thoughts out on that piece, so I'll cut this short and leave you all with this.
I'm a strong believer that if nothing is ventured, then nothing is gained. If you expect to make progress in life, you have to put yourself your mind, your heart, your sanity on the line occasionally. I want to make these strides and have laid myself out at the mercy of the world and several people many a time, and not gotten the responses I've seeked. Needless to say, in a nutshell, this poem is about how life has effected my development from a person a really liked but wasn't built for the world, into a person who I don't like as much, but has the tools necessary to make it in this cold world. So, as I lay back in the therapist's chair.........enjoy
And for those of you trying to figure out exactly what events led to me feeling this way.....the poem was written in the summer of '08 and is based on a great deal more than relationships with the fairer sex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
it's like the bitter chill made the whole world sit still
the air's stagnant
my face numbed from glares of ill will
ice grills backed with bad intention, I feel...
compelled as black mamba tryna kill bill
laid at the will of killers with penchants for doing jus that
and their cold, cold hearts are so real
and so hungry for blood meals
and even more so in such a cold December
they say only the strong survive
but I beg to differ
because the strong die too
and they get lied to
but the wise know truth and rule the strong
because though they lives lived short, their words live long
and shake every man’s soul
tiptoeing through time on the airs of whispers, they hear you
and the words are held so dear
and in the chill still heard so clear
and even more so in such a cold December
the coldness only makes me more conscious of my environment’s violence
and the fact that the more I live in this climate
the more I die within
only the Lord knows where my fire went
cause now this artic has made me lethargic and heartless
and unaware of how to navigate the darkness
and somehow I lost my way and now I’m gone forever
as if I left footprints trailing away in this cold December’s driven snow
don’t act as if you didn’t know
although I understand if the flow of your thoughts became frozen cold
like the ice water pumping through my veins
clearly I’ll never again be the same
and I want somebody to blame
or at least explain this change
and the answer came as wintry rain dancing on my face
each drop tinged with pain
and it hurts even more so in such a cold December
i never felt so alive as when i died
riding with the righteous side
fighting for what my heart desired
nevertheless, my hair’s turned grayed
my eyes is pitch white and my skin is fading away
i'm one amongst the masse, it’s tragic
that I’ve been forced to assimilate the fabric
and my mind too
the mirror’s frosted up but no reflection needed to know I’ve become you
and the chickens done come roost in the midst of this cold, cold, December
and now I find myself wishing bad on others peoples mothers
death upon other peoples brothers
it's so hard when u discover that you are no longer the you, you once knew
staring at the mirror wondering who is that dude
and you haven’t one clue
like a nigga flew over the cuckoo’s nest and left you
sitting a alone
and that’s cold, even for a cold December
even my heart is frostbitten
twice shy, indifferent
iced more than a quarter-century's exposure should allow
the result of repeated frigid impacts upon an unreciprocated affections
i've grown calloused and unwilling to try any longer
my tongue has sharpened
my concern, now non-existent
i am no longer merely influenced
you can see my body shiver, reacting to the temperature
trying to resist the bitter side-effect of contact
but it's useless
I AM cold
Even for a cold, cold December
Congratulations
Story Behind the Poem
About a year ago I learned that an ex of mine had gotten engaged. It threw me for a shock, for the simple reason that only a few months before, when we last spoke, I was unaware that she was even dating someone. We initially began dating back in '03, during my freshman year of college, broke up the same year....and really had no real contact until my senior year of college. She'd transferred after freshman year (not because of our break up at all) and had returned to Hampton to hang up with old friends before everyone scattered back across the country. Anyway, since that time we've remained cordial...and basically erased any ill-feelings between us.
Between '06 when we reconnected through, say, fall of '07, we steadily improved our friendship, but it was a bit odd, at least on my end. We'd basically arrived at the conclusion that our break-up was caused by young folks miscommunicating. In my head, my curiousity was peaked a little bit.....but nothing ever came of it, before we amicably loss touch amidst our busy lives. It's so much more to the story, but I've said all I rightfully can, because anyone who's known me for any length of time could probably identify who I'm discussing....All I can say is that the poem discusses my reaction to the news of her engagement, and a bit of rehashing of our history, just for context, just so you all can understand how .....unique this feeling I have is. To say anything more would be nothing more than airing out someone else's business...so without further ado...Congratulations (but I don't want an invitation, lol).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I imagined this would be a little bit difficult
And a whole lot bit awkward
But just the same, I’m calling
Because at the end the day, we are still friends
Granted, I have only one friend I can say was my first
So…again, you can imagine what it must be like for me
….to say congratulations on your engagement
Whenever I think of you, I am the face of bewilderment
Drawn aback from the impact of our few months
I think about sitting at our tree on the waterfront in Virginia
And the night we shared your blanket
Huddled within each other on the cold concrete,
Counting stars
Drunk with unimportant discussion that actually mattered….
And falling asleep, remaining that way until the rain awoke us
And chased us back to your dorm
I think about those frigid nights that we’d sit amongst the escaping winters
Birthing what are now memoirs
My teeth chattered, yet I refused to take my jacket back
Afraid that we’d have to cut short our evening
It was on one of these oh so common nights that I crowned you
Topping you with my fitted cap
Cocking it to the left the way we do on the eastside
I claimed you
And you cried without tears
A true understanding, words were useless; our souls spoke
That may be one of the sweetest moments I’ve ever shared with any one
All of which makes the break up perplexing
Shy of first love only because my heart then was as it is now;
Incapable of that sort of vulnerability
Only moreso then
You embarked on an impossible task with me, given the circumstances
Which I will keep between you and I
I think of all that now…
And how none of it matters
What we could have been has been exhausted
Yet I honestly don’t think I could be any happier
That’s why when I scrolled passed your name in my cell phone
I was compelled to be the bigger man
I chuckled at the tentativeness in your voice when you answered
Ill at ease, I’m sure
As even our innocuous exchanges always tended to return to our favorite familiar topic
What happened to us?
What could have been had that happening not happened?
How naïve we both were, to think we could ever be just friends
But it’s okay
Trust, I’m only calling to wish you well
My reflection shows no envy or jealousy
My chest is not warmed by anger
My heart is not hurt, and it’s still beating
And I’m smiling
I wish my friend the best
And trust, my words have the utmost sincerity
About a year ago I learned that an ex of mine had gotten engaged. It threw me for a shock, for the simple reason that only a few months before, when we last spoke, I was unaware that she was even dating someone. We initially began dating back in '03, during my freshman year of college, broke up the same year....and really had no real contact until my senior year of college. She'd transferred after freshman year (not because of our break up at all) and had returned to Hampton to hang up with old friends before everyone scattered back across the country. Anyway, since that time we've remained cordial...and basically erased any ill-feelings between us.
Between '06 when we reconnected through, say, fall of '07, we steadily improved our friendship, but it was a bit odd, at least on my end. We'd basically arrived at the conclusion that our break-up was caused by young folks miscommunicating. In my head, my curiousity was peaked a little bit.....but nothing ever came of it, before we amicably loss touch amidst our busy lives. It's so much more to the story, but I've said all I rightfully can, because anyone who's known me for any length of time could probably identify who I'm discussing....All I can say is that the poem discusses my reaction to the news of her engagement, and a bit of rehashing of our history, just for context, just so you all can understand how .....unique this feeling I have is. To say anything more would be nothing more than airing out someone else's business...so without further ado...Congratulations (but I don't want an invitation, lol).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I imagined this would be a little bit difficult
And a whole lot bit awkward
But just the same, I’m calling
Because at the end the day, we are still friends
Granted, I have only one friend I can say was my first
So…again, you can imagine what it must be like for me
….to say congratulations on your engagement
Whenever I think of you, I am the face of bewilderment
Drawn aback from the impact of our few months
I think about sitting at our tree on the waterfront in Virginia
And the night we shared your blanket
Huddled within each other on the cold concrete,
Counting stars
Drunk with unimportant discussion that actually mattered….
And falling asleep, remaining that way until the rain awoke us
And chased us back to your dorm
I think about those frigid nights that we’d sit amongst the escaping winters
Birthing what are now memoirs
My teeth chattered, yet I refused to take my jacket back
Afraid that we’d have to cut short our evening
It was on one of these oh so common nights that I crowned you
Topping you with my fitted cap
Cocking it to the left the way we do on the eastside
I claimed you
And you cried without tears
A true understanding, words were useless; our souls spoke
That may be one of the sweetest moments I’ve ever shared with any one
All of which makes the break up perplexing
Shy of first love only because my heart then was as it is now;
Incapable of that sort of vulnerability
Only moreso then
You embarked on an impossible task with me, given the circumstances
Which I will keep between you and I
I think of all that now…
And how none of it matters
What we could have been has been exhausted
Yet I honestly don’t think I could be any happier
That’s why when I scrolled passed your name in my cell phone
I was compelled to be the bigger man
I chuckled at the tentativeness in your voice when you answered
Ill at ease, I’m sure
As even our innocuous exchanges always tended to return to our favorite familiar topic
What happened to us?
What could have been had that happening not happened?
How naïve we both were, to think we could ever be just friends
But it’s okay
Trust, I’m only calling to wish you well
My reflection shows no envy or jealousy
My chest is not warmed by anger
My heart is not hurt, and it’s still beating
And I’m smiling
I wish my friend the best
And trust, my words have the utmost sincerity
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
