Rooms

Story Behind The Poem

Okay, folks. This is another piece that is a bit dated, but I had to go ahead and post it because this piece, more than any other, was my motivation in wanting to start renaissancestyle. The poem took me a RIDICULOUSLY long time to write- 4 months-, especially given it's length. It took this long because, at least in comparison to the other stuff posted on the blog, it's the most personal and truthful and I wanted to make sure that I stated everything exactly as I meant it.

I call this piece "Rooms" and it deals with a bunch of loose ends that I had hanging around me. Specifically, the several pseudo-relationship type things that I had hanging around, as well as one particularly unhealthy friendship. For the most part, the ladies I'm talking about in this poem had become distractions (or at least the situation had become a distraction for me). This poem was my attempt to rid myself of these several distractions--whether it be by dismissing the lady, the situation, or allowing myself to put the situation on pause (or have it be put on pause, lol).

If you know me, you've probably heard me say something to the effect of, "Say it out loud and let the words fall back on my ear's it will make more sense hearing it than saying it." That quote was essentially my guiding light in writing this poem; to put my issues out into the atmosphere, and re-approach them as a observer as opposed to an involved party, and thus reach a resolution. In sorting out my my several messes, I wanted to properly define these varying involvements I had and place them into an appropriate 'room' in my life. So call this my sort it out poem. Each stanza addresses a different situation, each with its own unique history behind it and corresponding room destination.

Still there are so many folks flapping out here in the breeze........don't be surprised if there is a part two to this poem at some point & time


Enjoy

*******************

It’s awkward, sitting silently here
So many things already said
So many things needing to be said
So, so many things better left unsaid
All of those things being the same
And honestly it is a task to even have arrived at this moment
Back and forth, I have paced my options up and down this worn path
We’ve been here far too many times before
Traveling a bit further each time
Making each return to the way we were all the more trying
With others, my mind has told me to stay
Believing that a man able to forgive is bettered by not becoming a victim of his own anger
…A casualty of his hurt
…A fatality of others’ expectations
I can be a survivor of that sort no more
I want to be healthy, and away from that which ails me
Away from these faint walls, pale and spare
And the sad, cold stare pleading me to be who I was
I cannot be
Nor do I desire to….
…Be here
…Be with you
…Be in this room
So although, I wish you the sweetest of scents and the most vivid of sights
I won’t again trace that path
I can’t
Instead I will exit and close this door, knowing that the person on the other side is not a friend
Nor has she ever been one

I exit, ambling down the corridor
And you, outside quarters reserved for few
Standing…….Taut?
Uncomfortable, even
Almost out of duty as if you’ve convinced yourself that you should be here
But presumptive and bold, nonetheless
But, no
We both know this is not your room
And not even your fullness could influence me to believe otherwise
Nor does your sway sway me
You’ve yet to persuade yourself, I’m sure
You belong with the others
So I enter alone

And I am certainly surprised to have a visitor
Unlike the face guarding the door down the way
You’re not a stranger
Frequent, but never here long
Mostly just casual conversations underneath the threshold
But you sit, here and now
Legs crossed, thighs dimpled
You’re comfortable, surprisingly
Wagging your invitation, tauntingly
Stroking your key, knowingly
And for sometime, I entertain you
Not a fancied production, by any means
But I entertain you, in the vein of toleration
I feign the gleam my eyes once had
And the perk in my stature, almost out of habit
But mechanics, no matter how patterned, are never genuine
No matter how familiar the routine
Luke-warm water will never set my heart afire
The ashes have settled
And I just don’t feel the way I once did
You want me when you want me
And honestly, I’m not pressed to be had
At one time, you may have belonged here
But now…..
Maybe we missed our train
Maybe some tomorrow is our day
…But today is not some tomorrow
So, you can hold on to your invitation
It’s dated, but it still means something
But let me get that key back
Silly me, I got to be more careful about giving those out
But baby, you don’t have to leave the building
I got just the room for you down the hall
Lot’s of greens and blues
And when you go
Don’t forget to lock the door behind you

And now I sit alone
In this room not intended for such solitude
Consuming myself with thoughts of that unfamiliar face down the way
Truth be told she is not a stranger at all
Not entirely
I am very familiar with those parts which she makes available
And to that extent, I adore her to no end
Yet outside the door of this room
It was not she lingering, taut
Nor was she waiting, thighs dimpled
Instead, it was she , standing distanced and remote, guarding other chambers
Thinking, deciding, dancing…
Dancing back and forth over the line I once toed with fear
Before I threw myself into the wind, as if I were caution
With reckless abandon and indifference as to my heart’s safety
Still, she moves no further than where she is
Nor does she exit
Needless to say, this standstill is awkward
I’ve given too much of myself to walk away
But have not received enough to justify staying
I sit, drunk with anticipation
Knowing she’s outside pacing
Unsure if she will ever knock
I’ve taught my heart how to beat slow
And I’ve found a peace in its rhythm
And with it, a willingness I was unaware I possessed
...to hold the door ajar a bit longer


Piece.